What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About twenty to thirty kilos!

Why do women stop menstruating in their fifties?
'Cos they need the blood for their varicose veins!

How do you know your wife's dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes pile up in the kitchen!

What was the most intelligent thing that has ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock!

Why do men fart more than women?
'Cos women never shut their mouth for long enough to let the gas build up!

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About twenty to thirty minutes!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist?
Because you could fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked, "How do you give shoulders?"

If it's got tits or wheels sooner or later you're gonna have problems with it.

What have women and dog turds got in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

Two blokes bump into each other in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke says, gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, let's go and look for yours!

She wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to go about it so she says to her husband; you reckon I should go sunbathing in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, he says, go for it. But what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? He says, that I married you for your money.....

Two outback cowboys are having a chat about their favourite sexual positions, when one of them says; I like the rodeo rider. The rodeo rider? The other cowboy says, what's that, never heard of it! Well, says the first cowboy, when you're doing it doggy style you lean forward, get a firm hold of your wife's boobs and then you whisper in her ear; gee, they feel exactly the same as your sister's.. And then you try to stay on for another ten seconds.

Little Johnny comes home from school and says to dad; at school the boys were talking about pussy, what is pussy? Dad gets his Penthouse magazine out, opens it , draws a circle and says, there, that's it, everything in that circle. Then Johnny says, they were also talking about cunts, what's a cunt?
Dad says; everything outside that circle!

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB.
Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

Bloke took his missus to the Ekka in Brissie and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
She playfully nudged him in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
She gave him a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
She was so excited that her elbow nearly broke his ribs, said, that's once a day, you could REALLY learn something from this one."
He looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if all those times it was with the same old cow."

A bloke was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the bloke, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says," That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the bloke gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the bloke, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor." That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The bloke decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The bloke says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them.
Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.
Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurses start to do their stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse replies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. This carries on until the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replies if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse says that is not how you wash a baby. The dad says, 'It is when the water is too hot!!'

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "That's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would want to fuck you twice!"

Wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her tits are too small.
Instead of telling her it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion." If you want your tits to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, she grabs a piece of dunny paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her tits. "How long will this take?" she asked." They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
She stopped. "How the hell is rubbing a piece of bog roll between my tits every day make 'em grow bigger over the years?
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

A bloke walks into his bedroom and sees his missus packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard hookers there get paid $800 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, she walks past the bedroom and sees her bloke packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $1600 a year!

One sunny morning Queensland Premier Anna Bligh was driving through a farming district in her chauffeured car.
As they came around a bend in the road an old cow standing on the road could not get out of the way quick enough and they hit the poor animal that was sent flying.
Anna was not pleased and told the driver to get out and check on the cow.
The driver returned and said she's dead....
Anna said well you were driving so it's all your fault so you go and tell the farmer!
The driver trotted off on his way to the farmhouse on top of the hill while Anna stayed in the car and jotted down some ideas in her car on how to scrap a few more things like solar power subsidy to save some money.
At some point she realized that the driver had gone for considerable time and she became very impatient.
Finally, as it was getting dark the driver came staggering down the road, reached the car and fell in his seat and the smell of alcohol filled the car. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME!!!? Anna demanded to know.
The driver said; well, first it was a long hard slog up the hill to the farmhouse so I was a bit out of breath when I got there.
I said to the farmer; Hello, I'm Anna Bligh's driver. We just had a little accident and I killed the old cow.....
And then he just wouldn't let me go, he pulled out his best bottle of whiskey, he started filling glasses, his wife cooked me a fantastic meal and his daughter ficked me senseless!

Boy asked his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
She looks at him and says, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
He thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
Dad looks at his son and says," Look mate, all household appliances come in white."

A bloke brings home a mate.
His wife  screams, why the fuck did you bring him over for! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a fuckin mess, the dishes aren't fuckin done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be fuckin bothered with cooking tonight! Why the HELL did you bring him home?"
Bloke says, "Coz he's thinking of getting married..."

An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.
The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,' I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

Wife bought a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them.
Finally he asks: ”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank Christ for that …. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”